i've been trying to listen to this record since yesterday and haven't been able to do it. i'm having difficulty focusing and i'm also having difficulty sleeping. i keep getting these feelings of really powerful anxiety washing over me, and the only way to stop it is to sit still for a few hours. i then get these powerful feelings of negativity wash over me: anger, sadness and a feeling like i want to start crying. i'm also extremely hungry, but i eat on a schedule, and i'm not going to break it due to some kind of adverse reaction to something that i don't fully understand. i will sit in hunger, instead.

i want this feeling to go away.

this is very unusual for me, and what's frustrating about it as that i don't have any experiences to compare to it, excluding the feeling of being through hormone therapy. i don't have any history of suffering through depression. i'm not bipolar. i'm not schizophrenic. i have no reason to think i have any kind of chemical abnormalities, although it sure feels like one is being introduced.

the only way i know how to describe what i'm feeling right now is to compare it to the feelings i had when i went through hormone therapy a second time about ten years ago.

i simply can't listen to music in an anxious state like this, it's not possible to focus on it or analyze it, and because music is an intellectual experience rather than an emotional one, it means it's not possible to enjoy it, either.

why is this happening?

frustratingly, it seems to be because my neighbour is smoking something. again. it smells like government pot. he doesn't go to work any more, either. they seem to have turned him into a zombie, and i'm downwind from it and getting affected by it, too.

so, i was maybe going to venture out to see this tonight, but instead i'm going to have to sit inside and deal with a sudden onset of unwanted anxiety. and, i just want all of these drugs i'm surrounded by to go away....

https://cursive.bandcamp.com/album/vitriola