Monday, January 4, 2016

04-01-2016: new revisionist single adds walk through & almost quitting smoking

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/permission-3
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/a-deleted-exercise-in-hipster-homophobia
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inrimixed
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/skaters
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/confused-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/hey-god-2

publishing hey god (inri008)

i had to psych myself up a little to convince myself to release this. the date is feb 11, 1998 - it is the new inri006. but, i didn't release it until feb, 1999, because i realized, even at the time, that the vocals were embarrassing. there are a couple of tracks on inriched like that that i had to work myself up to get out and today sort of regret.

the thing about this track is that there's no reason to include the unmastered versions. sometimes, when you're remastering something it just comes down to personal taste. that was the case with skaters - and the mixes are consequently all pretty different. but, for this track, the initial mixes were just objectively bad, and can safely be just thrown away.

that means, i have five distinct versions - three new constructions, and two pretty different vocal versions. that's both enough variation to make the single worthwhile and not enough redundancy to really turn myself off the vocals. it just would have been painful to listen to the vocal track five times in a row.

the vocals are actually not at the front of the mix, and i was being a little self-conscious; how bad they are depends on how seriously you take them, and, even then, i didn't really intend for them to be taken particularly seriously.
the thing is that i want the three new versions available in one place. it only makes sense to include the vocal versions, too.

the next single is schizoid, and it will be a longer single.

==

my recollection of the initial recording of this track is unfortunately somewhat vague. when we push our memories like i'm trying to, we become more likely to imagine the past in terms that never actually existed. so, how real is this vague memory of wanting to hear some backwards guitars? i fear that it's perilous to try and force my mind to be more specific.

it's at least fully consistent with what i know about the situation. this was initially the second track recorded in my basement studio in the fall of 1996. so, i was still at the point where i was looking to try things in the studio for the first time. as for backwards guitars? i was very interested in both zappa and hendrix (two of my biggest guitar influences) at the time, and that is actually blatantly obvious if you listen to inri000. they both used backwards guitars. there are multiple occasions on inri000 (and afterwards...) where the nods to both of these players are beyond heavy-sleeved. so, my vague memory at the very least makes sense.

how i made the jump from trying to create a backwards guitar solo to turning a song into a palindrome is another question and i don't really have a good answer besides stumbling upon it as i was listening to it. clearly, it is the case that this struck me as a good idea at some point along the way.

when i went to recreate the track in early 1998, i felt the need to recreate the palindrome effect. so, i never saved any version of the track in forward order (without the backwards overdub) or released it in any kind of way. for all these years, there has simply never been a forwards version of the track.

the remastering process over 2015 has finally given me the opportunity to create a forwards version and spin it off as a single for the express reason of documenting the track as it was actually initially written, which was as a fairly straight forward alternative pop song. that's a description that i do believe is very old. yet, i may be imagining the past, too...

initially written in 1996. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. remixed july 15, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. as always, please use headphones.

regarding the subject matter of the deleted vocals/lyrics, please see the following vlog:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuhdwde1YKI&t=895s

credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, digital wave editing, loops, vocals, drum kit, tapes, production

released february 11, 1998

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/hey-god-2


1) this is the track run forwards, without the backwards overdub, which is the main purpose of the single. initially written in 1996. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/hey-god-straight-forwards


2) this is just the electronics in the track - which means the backwards version pasted over top of the forwards version. initially programmed in 1997. digitally modified in feb, 1998. reclaimed june 29, 2015. remixed july 15, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/hey-god-electronics-only


3) initially written in 1996. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/hey-god-album-mix


4) 2013 remaster of 1996 demo cassette. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/hey-god-2013-remaster-of-1996-demo-mix-2

5) deleted 2013 remaster of the 1998 demo. initially written in 1996. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/hey-god-2013-remaster-of-1998-demo

publishing confused (inri007)

this one is dated to feb 6, 1998 and so comes in as the new inri005.

this is the one and only track from this period that i remixed the vocals into, and this is the only place to get that version, besides the period disc. the vocal version is also a reinterpretation, with added sequencing. so, this track actually got the full treatment. as such, it's sequenced reverse chronologically, in a traditional lead single format.

==

so, how exactly does one go about being transgendered, anyways? i mean, like anything else, i guess you have to come to terms with it, first. then, what?

it was the "what next?" part that took me a very long time to grapple with before i was able to come to some kind of course of action. i don't remember exactly how old i was when i realized that i was more like a girl than a boy, but i will state that my thought process was always that i was like a girl, rather than that i was a girl. i have to be blunt: i was a precocious child. i understood the biology of sexual organs at a pretty young age. i knew which organ i had, that it was the same as the one my dad had and that it was different than my mom. i never felt as though i was in the wrong body - that's not how i'd articulate it. i knew i was male. but, all my friends were girls. i preferred to do "girl things". so, i realized at a very, very young age that i was more similar to the girls in my life than to the boys, despite being well aware that i was genetically a boy. it functioned more on the level of social inclusion and conscious choice of gender role than it did on the level of anything biological. am i really that atypical? i don't know. but, i know that i never had any difficulty at all, whatsoever, in separating between sex, gender and gender roles. so, for example: i have very early memories of asking my mom to let me wear lipstick, and of asking to get my ears pierced (3,4 years old) but i don't attach those memories to feelings of gender dysphoria. i didn't see any reason why boys couldn't wear make-up. further, nobody really "corrected" me on it. so, i grew up without any shame or second thoughts attached to being a boy that was more like a girl, and consequently without any particularly strong urges to become a girl. my very early life actually finds it's best explanation in the theories of radical feminism: because the gender binary was never enforced on me, i never felt oppressed by it. i have to argue for a very healthy early upbringing.

what screwed me up and set me back a good ten years was the school system. when i got there at the age of four and a half, i wouldn't talk to the boys. i wanted to skip rope and play hopscotch with the girls. well, all my friends were girls. i didn't know how to play with the boys. what's a marble? i just didn't know. i got stuck with a fossil of a kindergarten teacher that actually flat out banned me from skipping rope. worse, she banned me from reading books. my absolutely docile and clinically rational temperament at that age probably worked against me. but, i had two choices: i could play with the trucks with the boys in the corner or i could go to sleep.

in fact, i slept a lot.

but, gradually, the system socialized me as a male. or, at least it seemed like it did.

my path through elementary school didn't really ease up on the gender segregation until the seventh grade, at which point it was essentially too late. the system had successfully prevented me from socializing with girls, but had never taught me how to socialize with boys. so, i had spent the last twelve years of school in social isolation, usually without any friends at all. i'd lost the opportunity to have all the gendered experiences one associates with childhood - which means i was deeply socially stunted. i was still pretty smart, academically speaking. however, i was operating at the social level of a much younger child because the school system had arrested my social development through segregating me into a gender role that i didn't understand how to fulfil.

by the time i got around to writing this song at the age of 16, i'd just become entirely stoic about the whole thing. i knew i was more like a girl, but what exactly was i going to do about it? i guess i had the perspective, at 16, that life was largely about managing misfortune and you just have to deal with shit, whether you like it or not.

rational? perhaps, from a certain perspective. it gnawed at me, though. the trauma underlying the track was the realization that i was a good part of the way through puberty, without ever having signed up for it. this was by no means unexpected, either, and i didn't ultimately feel that i had any recourse of action in preventing it. but, i felt like i'd been cheated out of something and was being forced into something i didn't remotely want.

as with the rest of the early tracks, the lyrics here are at their core the exploration of a morbid fantasy. i'm taking things too far, i'm taking any excuse i can to keep taking things too far and i'm enjoying watching you squirm when i do it. in one sense, it's a sarcastic allegory on the question of thinking with one's cock, which is a bio-chemical problem that all testosterone producers are forced to come to terms with at some point. in another sense, it's a transgendered teenager carrying out a sort of morbid fantasy and desperately looking for a way to prevent the masculinization of my body.

it took me another five years or so of internal struggle before i could get to the point where i saw hormone therapy as a realistic option, rather than a kind of utopian fantasy that would be perpetually out of reach until i finally expired.

this is the only period 1 piece that was further expanded through the addition of some bass and piano sequencing near the start of the piece. the vocals were also brought back in without redaction. so, this ep starts off with a full reconstruction of the piece, intended as a lead for this single. the ep further comprehensively documents all other released versions of the track.

initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. electronics added on july 16, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. as always, please use headphones.

credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, synthesizers, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, sampling, digital wave editing, production

released february 6, 1998

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/confused-2


1) this is a new construction of the track, with added sequencing and vocals. initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. vocals and electronics added on july 16, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/confused-2


2) this is the instrumental reconstruction. initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. electronics added on july 16, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/confused-instrumental


3) this removes the guitars (and bass...) from the instrumental version. initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. deconstructed on on july 16, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/confused-electronics-only


4) version reconstructed in 2015 from tape. initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/confused-2015-reconstruction-from-1998-source-tapes


5) deleted 2013 remaster of 1998 demo cd. initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/confused-2013-remaster-of-1998-cd-mix


6) 2013 remaster of 1997 demo cassette.  initially written in 1997. remastered in 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/confused-2013-remaster-of-1997-demo-mix


7) 1998 cd mix. initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998.

8) deleted 1998 original, unsequenced mix. initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/confused-1998-archive-2

9) deleted original 1997 mix. initially written in 1997.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/confused-original-1997-mix-2

publishing skaters (inri005)

i'm dating this to jan, 1998 and labeling it inri004, indicating a need to shift the rest of the discography forwards. there will be several singles placed over 1998, which fixes a bit of a representation problem - there were previously only two releases (the previous inri004 and inri005) for the entirety of 1998, despite quite a lot of material stemming from that year.

the idea of this single is to trace the development of the track, and i think this is sort of interesting in itself as the track begins as a fairly organic sounding demo in 1997 and ends as an electronic soundscape in 2015.

will there be more versions? stay tuned!

in all honesty, probably not - although if i ever end up transcribing it, all bets are off.

==

this is maybe a little hard to understand, if you weren't a teenager in a very specific period - about '91-'99, the 90s i guess, when the nu metal shift "corrected" things and tough guys went backing to being metalheads.

that period overlaps with a period when punk fashion moved from subculture to dominant culture. as with any other failed social revolution, the period is more defined by certain subculture traits being co-opted than it was by any meaningful change in social attitudes, even if it did correspond with a move towards liberalizing social attitudes in the older members of gen x.

i remember playing this for my aunt, who was a teenager in the 80s, and she was just confused by it. in her day, the skaters were the skinny punk kids that got picked on by the meathead jock metal heads. as mentioned, i think people that were teenagers in the 00s may more readily associate with this as well.

but the 90s were weird in this sense. skater culture in the 90s was defined by a sort of thuggish machismo gang mentality that overlapped more into gangster rap than punk rock. what you had where i grew up was a lot of upper middle class white kids skating because it was advertised to them as the "cool thing to do" and in the process co-opting this sort of survivalist 'hood mentality into a tool of oppression that they used to bully and intimidate the kids that, a decade before, would have identified as skateboarders. those kids may have maintained an interest in punk rock, but weren't generally accepted into the skater clique - which was essentially the "in group".

the culmination may seem a little surreal nowadays, if for no other reason than that it's been forgotten. but i remember sneaking through back alleys, evading skateboarding gangs made up of kids into slayer, while i had socal punk music blasting through my headphones. and i'm sure you'll get similar stories if you ask around - or maybe you were also that kid.

on one hand, this track was constructed to be sort of precious, and i think that it is. it's a pretty catchy pop song, really. on the other hand, i think i was trying to be a bit tougher than i actually was. i wasn't one to back down from confrontation - i'm still not. while i think it's true that i could have taken most of these brats one-on-one, i probably would have mostly chosen not to. see, the fear was always more that they'd convert the boards into weapons and then jump you. in canada, guns aren't much of a concern, but knives are.

...and the fear often came out of trivial reasons. talking with somebody's girlfriend. having a pair of headphones or a pair of shoes that might be worth something. basic thug shit.

in hindsight, the analysis here is a little simplistic. suggesting that these kids are going to grow up into pimps is problematic on numerous levels, although i can state with blunt honesty that a number of the people the song was about have grown up to be petty criminals with lengthy criminal records. i have to own that lack of depth and how it comes out in sometimes less than ideal statements, but i'm going to once again blame that on my age.

overall, i like this track on both a musical and thematic level. i just wish i had articulated myself a little bit better.

--

there was a specific story that influenced the track. when i was in the ninth grade, one of these skater bro types took it upon himself to start body-checking me into lockers. it was well understood that this person was older, but that just gave him more clout in the school's skater clique; he knew the older kids that they looked up to. i was never certain if he was on his second or third try at grade 9.

this wasn't the first time somebody had tried to get physical with me, but it was an escalation that i couldn't really tolerate. people flicking my ears was an annoyance, and especially so when it was a game, but it's the kind of thing one withstands. these were full on, run-at-me body checks that seemed to be designed with intent to harm.

i actually tried a few different tactics before i reacted. i tried sitting behind in class until he left, but it was visibly starting to make the female teacher uncomfortable that i was just sitting around waiting after class - and perhaps not unreasonably so. as for bringing it up with the teacher? well, this guy went out of his way to look for a teacher watching before he took a run. i couldn't be followed around by a teacher all day. i had to react on my own.

so, i tricked him into running at my open leg, which had him fall face first into the locker. he did not see the retribution in the act; he got up looking for a fight. as i was walking toward the exit, which was a staircase downwards, he took another run at me - which i dodged. that was an adrenaline filled movement, i tell you - he was full of stupid, hot rage and sidestepped like an angry bull. but, i still had to time it. there was no escape. he ended up falling down several flights of stairs and breaking his leg. consider what would have happened if i hadn't moved - even considering that i may have helped him lose his balance, a little.

from that point onwards, i lived in fear of being swarmed. rumours were floating around that i'd better stay away from certain people - which was a broadcast to me to stay low. i got the message, and spent the next several years sneaking around back passageways in and out of the school. i learned where the cuts in the fences were, how to detour across floor levels to follow the crowd, how to time the bus (we had public transit passes - and that fact alone probably spared me broken bones) to come in to class during the national anthem and other various scheduling and transiting tactics to avoid being alone at critical junctures. and, then i started to enjoy living that way, too.

i don't think that student came back the next year, so i'm not sure if he ever finished grade 9. but, part of the reason i'm telling you this story is that it helps paint a clearer demographic picture of the narrative that i'm presenting. if you remove the "skater" designation, this could be a story about gangs in schools that could be applied equally well across any other grouping. it just happened to be that the gangs at my school were populated by white skater kids, some from the welfare projects and others comfortably middle class. that might help to explain what some might see as a difficult reference point.

--

i've presented this track in chronological ordering because i wanted to tell the story of the track itself. looking through my releases, it may be difficult to tell what is an ep from what is a single, and what is an ep from what is a record. this is an ep, and not a single. it's an ep because it's a conceptual ordering of the tracks, rather than just an exploration of a single incarnation of a specific track.

i don't deny that the lyrics are painful. and, wasn't i supposed to be getting rid of painful vocals? well, perhaps. but, note that no vocal takes of this track make it on to any of the abum-format presentations of it, excepting inricycled. the vocals are tied into the concept of the ep, which is a narration of the song as it developed.

so, chronological ordering is the only rational way to present the tracks. further, a comprehensive exploration of the track's development actually becomes necessary, in order to narrate it's entire development.

i'm not going to take this approach to every single. i just think that this track had to be preserved in this kind of way.

--

initially written in 1997. recreated in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 1, 2015. deconstructed dec 18, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. as always, please use headphones.

credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, vocal noises, vocals, samples, digital wave editing, production

released january 12, 1998

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/skaters

1) deleted original 1997 mix. april 5, 1997.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/skaters-original-1997-mix

2) deleted 1998 original, unsequenced mix from a 112 kbps mp3. jan 12, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/skaters-1998-archived-112-kbps-mp3

3) 1998 cd mix. resequenced in june, 1998.

4) 2013 remaster of 1997 demo cassette. initially written in 1997. remastered in nov, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/skaters-2013-remaster-of-1997-demo-mix

5) deleted 2013 remaster of 1998 demo cd. initially recreated in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in dec, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/skaters-2013-remaster-of-1998-cd-mix

6) version reconstructed in 2015 from tape. recreated in jan, 1998. reclaimed july 1, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/skaters-2015-reconstruction-from-1998-source-tapes

7) electronics only 2015 remix. recreated in jan, 1998. reclaimed july 1, 2015. deconstructed dec 18, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/skaters-2015-electronics-only-mix